Stock Take
As years go by, seconds, minutes and hours
come to feel a lot shorter.
A day dragged on forever when I was a child.
Now it seems like the earth completes its orbit in a blink.
Maybe there’s a time thief.
Stealing a millisecond here, a millisecond there.
And the thief comes when you’re not looking.
Like when you’re stuck in a traffic jam.
When you’re worrying about bills.
When you’re pondering over decisions.
And unlike most things in life, time lost can never be recovered.
You only have what you have left.
That’s why I hate wasting time.
I get very irritable when I wake up late and lose a whole morning.
I hate being idle, sitting or lying around doing nothing.
I hate looking back in the week and not remembering what I did because nothing was memorable.
2005 is moving into its last quarter.
In less than 5 months, I'll be 28.
Most people my age would’ve crossed certain milestones.
Like career advancement, marriage, their first home and child.
Strangely, I'm not sure if I want those things.
I’m at the crossroads of my career, so let's not go there.
I’m in a relationship but far from ready for a life-time commitment.
And although I do want my own place, I cannot have the ball and chain of mortgage because there are too many things I want to do and haven’t done. Things I cannot do anything about right now because of certain obligations.
So resentment grows.
But it is choked into silence in a backroom of my heart, along with my dreams.
As each tick becomes a tock becomes a tick, I turn blue, can’t breathe.
And it will be so until the thief starts stealing hours, days, months, years.
By then, maybe it wouldn't matter anymore.
come to feel a lot shorter.
A day dragged on forever when I was a child.
Now it seems like the earth completes its orbit in a blink.
Maybe there’s a time thief.
Stealing a millisecond here, a millisecond there.
And the thief comes when you’re not looking.
Like when you’re stuck in a traffic jam.
When you’re worrying about bills.
When you’re pondering over decisions.
And unlike most things in life, time lost can never be recovered.
You only have what you have left.
That’s why I hate wasting time.
I get very irritable when I wake up late and lose a whole morning.
I hate being idle, sitting or lying around doing nothing.
I hate looking back in the week and not remembering what I did because nothing was memorable.
2005 is moving into its last quarter.
In less than 5 months, I'll be 28.
Most people my age would’ve crossed certain milestones.
Like career advancement, marriage, their first home and child.
Strangely, I'm not sure if I want those things.
I’m at the crossroads of my career, so let's not go there.
I’m in a relationship but far from ready for a life-time commitment.
And although I do want my own place, I cannot have the ball and chain of mortgage because there are too many things I want to do and haven’t done. Things I cannot do anything about right now because of certain obligations.
So resentment grows.
But it is choked into silence in a backroom of my heart, along with my dreams.
As each tick becomes a tock becomes a tick, I turn blue, can’t breathe.
And it will be so until the thief starts stealing hours, days, months, years.
By then, maybe it wouldn't matter anymore.
Labels: just me
says Wandernut on Tuesday, September 13, 2005
8 wandered by:
I can't say I know how you feel. Nor can I say that I understand what you're going through - Because I don't. Just be strong, kay? *Hugs*
I think you've made more good choices than bad.
Done more exciting things than not.
Tried more new things than 90% of the people I know.
This too will pass.
You will return to form.
And y'know what? Nobody will be surprised.
procrastination, i believe, is the usual suspect in such thievery. but i think, not quite here.
perhaps you need a kickstart for action. i suggest, DO get your own place and do some of the little stuff yourself, like painting and drilling. i understand the ball & chain phobia, but how about a smaller ball... you can get a studio apartment in a good area of Damansara for say RM170k. Mine was RM167k.
The independence of having your own place (albeit with that mortgage hanging over you) may just give you that spurt of renewed vigour, just before the dash forward.
A husband, house, child, etc will help shape your future but they will never do anything to define you as a person. Be sure to enjoy your life here and now and stop looking at that damn clock! At some point no one else can make you happy...YOU have to make YOU happy.
(Note to self: stop watching Oprah)
P.S.
*big hug*
Erin: I'll be ok! Just having one of those moments. Hugs.
Box: Probably. But there's so much more I want to do but can't. Especially travelling. I can't just disappear for a few months to year. Though I've been wanting to do it for the longest time. All the extra curricular activities I've had were just some necessary distractions from my restlessness.
Spot: That sounds really good, but with a mortgage, I can't up and go for a long period of time. Which is what I've been waiting to do for years. But I keep getting my plans erased (it's a long story). It's come to a point where I kinda stopped dreaming.
Mint: I know only I can make me happy. But I feel like this because I've been putting off my dreams and living my life for other people (though they are family) for some time. And until I get to do what I've always wanted to do (as in go away for awhile and I don't mean a short holiday), I'll probably be dragging my feet along grudgingly.
Sigh. So chug along I must.
Thanks for the hug, Minty.
being grown up does get in the way of enjoying life sometimes, doesn't it?! i used to feel like you too (still do sometimes). this statement helped put things in a different perspective - "Being poor gives you the ability to look at supporting your still poor mother as an honor not a burden." applies equally to other family as well, of course.
that said, if you truly want it, DO find the means to take that year off. believe me, it only gets harder.
and when you have wandered to your heart's content, come home and get yourself a little place of your own. it may be difficult financially, but once you can sort that out, it will be SOOO liberating - if nothing else, you wont have to cook in secret ;) and it sure beats the resentment and lack of dreams.
Snowie: Thanks babe. I'll give my self a little more time and if this feeling persists, I'll do something about it. I hope. And YEAH, cooking in secret is really no fun! :->
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