10 things I can't stand about my mom

My mom is a simple woman with quite a few idiosyncratic traits. Don't get me wrong, I love her. But loving your mother doesn't mean it's in the "hey, I wanna hang out with you, mom" kinda way. Quite the contrary, I find myself appreciating her more, missing her even, when I'm not staying at home (like when I was studying abroad).

Every meal time has the potential of becoming a painful episode. Not to mention every trip I make with her, even if it's a 5-minute drive in the car. I don't know if all mothers are like this, but I'm sure you can identify with some of these s-motherly habits.

1. She's an almost obsessive-compulsive clean freak. Not to be confused with neat freak, which is a totally different thing. Neat, she is not. I don't know if I should be thankful for that, but she certainly is a clean freak. I have a small house, so there are lots of junk and odds and ends lying about, some on top of each other. It's quite a mess most days. But every surface is spotless. Dust free. Under this category I could go on... such as her peculiar way of washing the dishes (every inch of the plate must be touched by the flow of water from the tap to be deemed 'clean'). Same goes with the front yard.

My water bill every month is astronomical. More than double if not triple of a typical household (I checked). In her mind, as long as something is 'washed', it's clean... water = clean. Doesn't matter that wet floors and wet things are more conducive breeding grounds for germs.

Oh, and in her eyes, everyone around her is filthy. Her most frequently asked questions: "Have you bathed?" or "Have you taken a poop?". Most frequent requests, "Go bathe." (doesn't matter if you had already) or "Have you washed your hands?".

She also washes all the cups we use every morning. Clean, unused cups. And she loves doing it really early in the morning, when it's too early for you to wake up. The kitchen is right next to my bedroom.

Now you know why I hate the sound of running tap water.

2. She complains no one helps her in the house. But because of the above (No.1), nothing we do is good enough. We do the dishes, she'll just do them again. You flush the toilet, and she'll flush it again for you. Or at the very least, spray the toilet with a some water (see No.1 again). Alot of 'work' she has to do are unnecessary. But of course, she doesn't think so. And she complains about having to do everything herself.

While she's so fiercely independent in some ways, she is totally opposite in other matters. She doesn't want to learn how to use a mobile phone properly (yet she's always hinting that she wants a new one of her own, despite being at home most of the time) and she gets flustered when using the ATM, so she gets my dad, my bro or me to do it.

3. She believes everything the newspaper/TV tells her. Those Wah Lai Toi infomercials on Astro are SO targeted at people like my mom. She doesn't make her own rational judgement about anything. It's "the newspaper said this....", "the TV said that...." Tell her something is good or bad in the media, and she'll believe it, hook, line and sinker. The media also fuels her paranoia. Good in a twisted way to keep her alert against potential dangers (snatch thieves and what not), but tiresome when every person on a motorbike is a potential mugger.

4. She's a health freak. I like healthy living and healthful foods, but I still believe moderation is key. At one point, my mom heard from someone (on TV or in the paper, see No.3) that fresh juices every morning on an empty stomach is good for you. Yes, I know, she wants the best for her family. But if that means waking me up at an absurdly early hour in the morning with the sound of the juicer buzzing at high volume (we have a noisy one, and we live in a single storey terrace house), I go "AARRRRRRRGGHHH!" She grew out of that phase eventually. Erm... for now. Thank God for small favours.

Since the pork JE incident (1998), she stopped cooking pork. And she kicks up a fuss when we order pork or have bak kut teh when we eat out.

Since the mad cow incident (1993?), she stopped cooking beef. And while she would have a bite of steak if my dad is having some, she'd complain if it's bloody or not well-done, saying we'd all die of poisoning or some bovine disease.

Strangely, she didn't stop buying chicken after the bird flu fiasco. But she buys only free range chicken, which tastes much better, albeit a little tough. She buys and cooks fish, and even then it's just one or two types of fish for reasons unknown to me. And she cooks either chicken or fish in the same two styles (steamed, or pan-friend lightly with ginger and garlic), every day. I don't know what will happen if bird flu becomes a chronic problem or if the seas get more polluted and she reads about metal poisoning in seafood. Bwaahahahah!

She doesn't really fry her food anymore. Everything is steamed, broiled, boiled or maybe lightly stir-fried (with hardly any oil, and it's olive oil mind you) . Like veges in garlic. No oyster sauce. Organic soy sauce is used in small quantities. No salt unless absolutely necessary. She flavours her soups with chicken bones and breast meat. Again, no salt. But they taste great. I love her soups. And I enjoy her food in general (but that's cos I don't mind bland foods all that much). Besides, it's great for my dad's health.

But every day?
Erm... let's just say we look forward to the times when we eat out or take away 'normal food' from outside. Some days, dad would text me, pleading for some sinful hokkien mee, with pork lard and the whole works, which I'd buy home (mom complains, but surprisingly she'd take a few bites).

5. She imposes health freakiness to others. The family are not the only 'victims'. When eating out with the ladies from church or friends, she'd complain about dishes they order for the table. Especially if they're deep-fried, or oily or salty or high in cholesterol. She'd promptly eat a few bites and declare to all at the table that the food sucks and is bad for their health. Let's just say tact and social 'blending in' is not her forte.

6. Nothing makes the woman happy. I take her to a nice restaurant and she gushes at everything. All is fine and dandy throughout. But I just KNOW that she will find something to complain about by the end of the meal. Something never fails to be too oily/ salty/ sweet. If the food is perfect, she'd complain about the price on the bill. And when I buy back gifts or foodstuffs from my travels, she'd complain about them. Then she'd tell me not to buy anything on my next trip. But if I come home empty handed, she'd complain about it too. *groan*

7. She likes to 3-way call on a 2-way phone. I could be talking to my dad on the phone (he's at home with her) and I won't be able to hear a single word he's saying cos she's talking at the same time or telling my dad to tell me stuff while I'm trying to listen to what HE is trying to say. It's INFURIATING.

8. She compares me to her friend's daughter. Like how much pocket money that girl is giving her mother and how well she grooms herself. Of course, she forgets that her friend's daughter doesn't pay for the bills and groceries in the house.

9. She talks through my dad. We're both adults. If she wants something 'important', she should just talk to me about it. But no, she'd go through my dad.

10. She scrutinises and picks on me. I could be home from work at night, peacefully eating my dinner when she would sit in front of me and stare. Then she'd have things to say (or complain) about my hair, my face, my weight etc. Or in the morning when I'm about to leave for work, she'd fiddle with my hair, my collar, my bag etc. My hair is meant to have the out of bed messy look, but she says my hair would bring shame to the family. Whaa...t? This, when my hairstyle is almost just like hers.

11. She doesn't know the meaning of privacy. She barges into my room uninvited. Takes things out to wash when I don't need them to be (say a pair of jeans I've only worn once) . Rearranges things in my room so I have no clue where to find them. AND worst of all, throws away stuff without asking me first. MY STUFF. When I was younger and emails didn't exist, she'd open my mail from pen friends or friends who were abroad. Until one day I totally lost it and went ballistic did she stop opening my mail.

Oh my, that's 11 things. Ooops.
I'm half expecting lightning to strike me right now.

*braces myself*

All that is said and done, she's a caring mother. I know that. But if only she could do it without being so annoying. God forbid I'll pick up these idiosyncrasies as I age. It won't be a sign of 'aunty-dom'. It'd be aunty-doom. Sometimes I catch myself doing or saying certain things and realise, OH NO... I'm turning into my mom *aarrrgghhhhhh*

Though it's unlikely she'll ever read this, she's my mom and I do love her. She makes it hard for me to show it, but I do try. These days I grit my teeth and shut my mouth when she waters the frontyard (there are hardly any plants to water, but who knows, maybe our floor tiles need water to thrive).

Mother's Day last month, I took my folks to a nice place for dinner (it coincided with their 30th anniversary). The food was great. But I knew she would complain about something. She just had to.

Sure enough.
The cod was deep fried.

Sigh. I give up.