When is enough ever enough?

With 2005 approaching in a much greater speed than I'd like, I've been doing some soul searching. That is when I actually have time to sit down and talk to myself (tried that in the LRT but people look at me funny).

Since the accident, I've been told (advised) to reassess my priorities. To say no to some things. To slow down. And to NOT please everyone at the same time.

Okay, I realise that I am not invincible and that I am susceptible to fatigue. And yes, more often than not, I find myself being torn in all directions trying to juggle everything and then some.

So I just started a new job in a new company - hence the need to justify my existence and salary. So there's a new person in my life whom I love to bits and would want to spend more time with. So I haven't been there for my chaboh as much I would've liked. And yes, I haven't been going to church very often either... Okay. This is starting to sound worse than I thought. AIIEEEEEE.....

I've been told I'm obsessed with this whole self-realisation crap. Well, at least I'm sure I'm not doing all these things to prove anything to anyone else. They're all just exciting little journeys for me. Things I've always wanted to do for myself. I've always been interested in music and dance. And I just discovered a new found love for the arts and sports. Now that I have the means to pursue these interests, I want to while I still have the energy and youth to do so!

But I guess the problem is I'm doing them all at once. Can't help it when the opportunities come at the same time though. Times like this I wish I could split myself into a few schizophrenic selves, like in Multiplicity. Maybe then I can do everything, still sleep, still have time for everything and everyone.

(Cuckoo, she's going cuckoo....)

Come 2005, there's My Bollywood Summer, a musical produced by Sabeira starring Nurul of Nurul & Ajai fame. I'll be playing her best friend. Just got the rehearsal schedule today. Freaking me out. Do I tell her, sorry... I can't do this?

Then there's Chris' Tartuffe at the same time, which I've decided NOT to do. But later in the year, he's also directing a Christmas production with pantomime and other fun stuff.. and he's asking me to write the music... and it's not just one song... the whole thing. So again, I can see 2005 being a crazy exciting year.

Do I do Bollywood and the Christmas show? Or choose one? Or just take a break from this whole performing arts thing to concentrate on my career and to spend more time with the people I love?

I know there's nothing I need to prove. But it's just that little thing inside me that I can't turn off. I can try, but it's a no win situation. I'd be happy and miserable at the same time. Happy that I can relax and spend time doing other things with the people who really matter to me. Miserable cos I won't be a part of the fun the others are having! Stubborn and stupid I am... I know that too well.

Maybe I just need some sedatives or an elephant dosage of tranquilisers. Or a medication called common sense.

Oh well... will probably agonise over this for the next few days. When 2005 comes, I hope I won't make resolutions I know I cannot keep. Sometimes I wonder how or why some of you put up with me. [[[[[ HUG ]]]]]